2015 ... One Word.

Loss: disadvantage or deprivation from failure to keep, have, or get. Losing by defeat. 

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Unintentionally, I loved. And then I lost. TWICE. It was like zero (2014) to one hundred (2015) real quick once I let my guard down. I'm not afraid to admit that because this did not make me. Maya Angelou once said "have enough courage to trust love just one more time, and always one more time". And I will. This did not break me.  

Family. You grow up and realize that they're often your worse enemies and the very ones envious/ awaiting your downfall. You grow up and realize that "that's just how they are" is not an acceptable excuse. You grow up and realize that while they're blood, all toxic people HAVE to go, and NO ONE IS EXEMPT FROM THE CUTOFF. It's still love on my end, don't be misled. Just stay away from me, though. 

I experienced the loss of a beautiful, selfless life. The moment this woman came into my family's life (over 20 years ago), she had the power to make herself the enemy or otherwise. I mean, lets be real. She was my stepmom. But I never labeled her as such because it just didn't seem right. She loved me and my sister unconditionally/ without motive, she gave and gave and gave, and her and my own mother became unbreakable best friends over the years. How do I title her my stepmom without society pushing its definition of such on me? She was just Trina. She died in April after a lengthy battle with Sarcoidosis. They literally had to let her know it was okay for her to "stop trying, everyone would be okay" in order for her to finally let go. Turns out, it was expected, I just ignored all the warnings. Moreover, it has been difficult for me and sometimes I get stuck in all the memories. But, at least I have those.

When it comes to leaning on a female + me, the results will always be ≥ NOT in this lifetime. I've had the same friend since 7th grade. But. Nothing turned to a heap of something in the blink of an eye ... and now, not even that one exists. 

There were LOTS OF times I won. I networked my ass off and my audience increased by over 50%. I made myself available to celebrity clients and designers. I (financially) obtained. I became completely independent for the first time in my life. But the bad always outweighs the good. There were times I lost the ability to discern, my drive, my control, my willpower and ended up dwelling in feelings and making decisions that weren't indicative of who I AM. 

But. I'm still here. 

As the year comes to an end, be mindful of those who belittle others' plans to become a better/ more successful person in the new year. Why aren't they completely consumed by their own agenda to "be great"? Perhaps they're insecure of themselves? Is that why "new year, new me" is so very irritating for them to hear? Because change and goals are intimidating? I have no answers. However, I do know that you don't need that type of energy surrounding your evolution.

Until, 2016, i'm out 😝

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